


turned their hands to labor

by Quixotism



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, M/M, This is an experiment in writing a winter soldier, and how steve/bucky is fucked in the head, mind control hurts the soul, not all rainbows and puppies, sorry fandom, steve rogers isn't perfect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 12:39:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1510748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quixotism/pseuds/Quixotism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone's dread and darlin boy has fallen on his saber.</p>
            </blockquote>





	turned their hands to labor

**Author's Note:**

> This is an experiment in writing Steve/Bucky without actually writing Steve/Bucky. I wanted to tear down the fix-it belief that Steve will find Bucky and fix everything. Because Bucky isn't just Bucky anymore.

Steve calls Clint, hushed and clipped, almost reverent, "Was it the same?"

Clint almost hangs up but he replies with "It never is."

* * *

The problem lies with assumptions. When Steve sets foot on a bridge, he assumes it can bear his weight. 

When Bucky Barnes sets foot on a bridge, he assumes that it'll be gone tomorrow. 

The Winter Soldier burns all the bridges. He doesn't assume. It is not in his nature to predict. He is a well-oiled cog in the machine, jump starting the system. He burns stars in men's eyes. No one bears his weight but bullet-ridden history books and skin and the countries, with boundary lines like barbed wire tangled into men's hearts. A man's first love is to his country. A man's last thought is to his country. The Winter Soldier has no country, no name. The metal arm is not a brand, but a signal to freedom. 

He doesn't believe, doesn't assume, but he's not ignorant in the way people think.

Steve almost catches him on a bridge. The Winter Soldier collapses it. Bucky watches.

* * *

He reads a lot of literature. Psychology, philosophy, science. He pours over journals in his spare time. Sam points him in the right directions, but even Sam gives up with a shrug that says he isn't really giving up but he is as lost as Steve. 

Steve falls asleep in a library and wakes up to a note in his book.

"Stop," it says, in neat handwriting. Bucky's handwriting was a scrawl. The Winter Soldier never left messages. 

It leaves him with a queasy sense of hope, like lead buried in his stomach.

* * *

Alexander Pierce was not a bad person.

Ruthless, brutal, brilliant Alexander Pierce patted his back. He always left a glass of milk besides his cryo chamber. The memory is vague, as all memories are, but he remembers Pierce laughing, rough chuckles, wrinkled with wisdom, saying, "You need your strength. Because you'll change the world."

The slap was confusing. In congruent with the man that left an impression on him. 

He understands why, later. He probably would have agreed with it. 

(he does, somewhat. not all change is good, but not all the changes he wreaked were bad)

* * *

Steve asks Natasha, "What was the first thing you did?"

Natasha's lips curve, bemused and mocking. Her lips were red today. Yesterday, they were pink. Each colour was code, symbol, layer upon layer. Her eye shadow was green. Steve struggles to understand. 

"I found myself," she says, finally.

"He's Bucky," Steve argues, firm.

"No, he's not," she murmurs, "It's what you want him to be, but it's no longer what he simply is anymore. You'll have to get dirty."

He wryly tells her that he's never had a problem with that before.

"Not like this," Natasha says with a crooked laugh, "Not you."

It stings, but he knew it would. Natasha doesn't hold back.

* * *

He listens to a lot of music these days. It drowns out the silence. It drowns out the noise. There's too much of everything, too much freedom, too much choice, too many memories, too many words to explain him away. 

He nearly kills a mugger on the street. Bucky stops himself. The Winter Soldier leaves dark bruises on his throat. 

Compromise, compromise, he tells himself, find your middle ground. 

The end of the line wasn't an option anymore.

* * *

Steve lies awake at night, trying to think of ways of making it work.

He lies awake, trying to think of ways to make him work.

* * *

Sam pats Steve's shoulder, "You'll find him."

Steve swallows his heart down. It beats a lying rhythm.

So he says, "I won't give up." 

(and bucky/winter soldier/he hears him in the shadows and thinks _I won't give you me until I find it for myself_ )

( _till the end_ )


End file.
